How to Talk to Your Family About Preplanning

For most Bay Area families, the hardest part of preneed planning isn't filling out the forms — it's starting the conversation. Here's how to approach it.

Why Families Avoid the Conversation

Let's be honest: talking about death is uncomfortable. In American culture especially, there's a strong impulse to avoid anything that feels like "bad luck" or forces us to confront mortality. Many families put off the preplanning conversation for years, sometimes indefinitely.

The result: when a death occurs, families are left making decisions in crisis — grieving and guessing simultaneously. Studies show that families who have had "the conversation" report significantly less conflict and stress during bereavement.

When to Have the Conversation

There's rarely a "perfect" moment, but some times are better than others:

• After a loss in the extended family or community — grief opens natural conversations about end-of-life wishes
• Around a significant birthday or retirement — milestone moments prompt reflection
• During estate planning — if someone in the family is meeting with an attorney about a will or trust, preneed planning is a natural companion
• After attending a preplanning seminar — having new information makes it easier to share and discuss
• A quiet family moment — not at a holiday dinner or a birthday party; choose a calm, private time

How to Start the Conversation

The key is to frame it as a gift, not a morbid task. Some conversation starters:

• "I've been thinking about getting our affairs in order, and I wanted to talk with you about what I'd want if something happened to me."
• "After what happened with [family member], I realized how hard it was for them not knowing. I don't want to put you in that position."
• "I went to a preplanning seminar and learned some things I didn't know. Can I share what I'm thinking?"
• "I love you, and one of the most loving things I can do is make sure you never have to guess."

What to Talk About

You don't need to cover everything in one conversation. Start with the most important questions:

1. Burial or cremation? — and if there's a strong preference, why
2. Religious or cultural preferences — any traditions that matter to you
3. Location — do you want to be buried near family? In a specific cemetery?
4. Type of service — formal or informal? Religious service or celebration of life?
5. Who should be involved — who makes decisions if you can't?

When a Family Member Resists

Some family members — especially older parents — may resist the conversation. Common objections and how to approach them:

• "I don't want to think about that." → "I understand. I'm not asking you to think about dying — I'm asking you to help me take care of you."
• "I'm not dying anytime soon." → "I know — and that's exactly why now is the right time. We can do this calmly instead of in a rush."
• "It costs too much." → "Actually, preplanning can save money by locking in today's prices. Can we just find out what the options are?"
• "Just do whatever you want when the time comes." → "I want to honor what you'd want. Help me understand so I can do that."

After the Conversation: Next Steps

Once you've had an initial family conversation, the next step is usually a free consultation with a preneed counselor — either in person at one of our 12 Bay Area locations or by phone. There's no obligation, and no pressure to decide anything in the first meeting.

Frequently Asked Questions